| So, here I am, back at work after a 5 day vacation in California - more tired then when I left. Why - cuz I stayed up until 1AM after I got home and bitched to Tom the entire time about Karen. 
Karen is my second oldest sister - I have 4 older sisters - and she is the one who lived with my Mom - thereby taking on all of the care of my Mom - until Mom died on Dec 28th. God, that is the first time I've ever written the words Mom died and it feels really weird. Karen is a nurse, specializing in the care care of the elderly, so taking care of someone who was 81 and loosing her mind is right up her ally, except it was her Mom. And children shouldn't have to watch thier Mom die - but they should, cuz who else would you want taking care of your Mom. But you shouldn't, cuz when she looks at you with a blank stare and can't remember your name, your world gets weird.... I don't know, and I've found myself saying I don't know allot in the last 2 months! Anyway - Karen promised Mom she should never put her in a nursing home, and she lived up to her word. My Mom had a very wicked thing happen on Mon, Dec 27, we think it was a pretty bad heart attack, but once it passed, she had a very clear evening and knew all of us by name. And we were all there, well, almost all - 3 sisters, 1 brother, 2 brothers in law, 1 sister in law, my 2 kids, me and my husband, 1 nephew and his wife, we called my sister in CA, we all got to say good-bye as much as we were willing to, and left that night trying to figure out what the next step might be.....was Mom now in a health situation that would require a nursing home?...would we need to look into in home care in case she couldn't go to her adult day care anymore?...was she just gonna be fine like she was every other time she got to the brink?...all questions were answered on Tue morning when she did not wake up. Some time between 5:30 and 8:30am she finally let go...no trama...no pain...just sleep, forever. And my current saga starts there.
Karen sat up next to Mom's bed most of the night - after taking her to the bathroom around 5:30, Karen decided the danger had passed and she needed to get some sleep. By her own admission, she slept like she had not slept in a year - and it was during that time that Mom decided it was finally time to go with God, and Jesus and be reunited with my Dad who died 33 years ago. Karen will not forgive herself for going to bed that morning - even tho we have all tried to convince her that even if she had gone downstairs to make coffee, Mom would have taken that moment - Mom's do not die in front of their children.....so the guilt started. Karen has always been pretty strong, she is a single Mom, by choice, and has made her own way fighting various illnesses, working very hard and raising a good kid. Her life has been on her terms until this last year when Mom got so bad and could not be left alone. But even then, she managed to take a 2 week vacation to the Gulf Coast, and another week in Rochester NY. We all tried to help when we could, but Karen did carry the bulk of the load. So after Mom passed, Karen seemed to have the greatest sense of loss. She lived with my Mom for the last 22 years, and until the last year or so, they had a very strange, couple-like relationship. Mom doing the cooking and cleaning, Karen going out to work. After Mom's health and mind started to fail, it happened much more that Karen did it all, and Mom bitched alot! My Mom was horribly frustrated that her mind was going, and could not find a bright side. She said she was happy to have each new day, but most things angered her, because she could not keep a thought in her mind. It was hard to watch and hard to live with and I'm sure not what she thought her twilight years were going to be.......getting old sucks!!! And again, I digress -............
All of us feared that Karen - who has not been able to stop crying for 2 months now, was going to have a break-down. She is still living in "the house" and hates it. Her nights are long and lonely because she does not have all the things to do...fixing dinner, laundry, getting Mom's medicine ready, putting Mom back to bed, etc... She wants to start over - have a new life that is all hers, but it is not coming fast enough. No matter how many hours any of us are there trying to get things done - it's just not enough. Karen still has to go back to that "house" and the "house"......OMG!!!!! what a fucking mess. Some things had not been done in years. And my Mom saved everything - every birthday, St. Patricks Day, Christmas, Valentines, Halloween, just thought I'd drop you a line card. Every letter or note, every picture from every day care kid she ever took care of . Cards from flower arrangments, graduation announcments, birth announcments, wedding invitaions, class reunion invitaions, the list goes on. And, she used to write....constantly. Note books and legal pads and journals full of her writing - and no matter how you explain it, no one can comprehend the vast amount of STUFF that has come out of that house in 60 days. We filled a dumpster that was 6 feet high, 6 feet wide and 20 feet long, and that was just the first week-end. But still, Karen cried, and this is never going to be over and she will never have a life and on it went. So, I mentioned I had 2 free airline tickets,  ....I laugh because in the travel business, there is really no such thing as a "FREE" tickets, and if I could find the space, did she want to go to California and see our oldest sister? Yes, that would be great, she needed some time away. As it got closer to the time we were supposed to leave, she was getting much edgier...yes, it was possible, but too bad, the tickets were all set and paid for and there was no backing out.
So.....we went. Last Friday, a morning flight that had us in partly sunny California in time for lunch. E ticket check in was stupid, coffee was too expensive, there was no food on the flight, the flight was too crowded, the deli did not have corned beef, the gum I like is too strong, the way the are re-releasing books forces her to buy the ones she has already read but they changed the title .......and we were only in SALT LAKE CITY!!!!!!!!! By Sunday, things were much better, except that we went to a casino on Saturday and she lost and no matter what she played or tried to do, she lost. But on Sunday she got a new outfit to wear to my nephews wedding in LA next month, because the beautiful outfit she bought and wore to my Mom's funeral are now, FUNERAL CLOTHES, and she doesn't know if she can ever wear them again. When I mentioned that I bought a new pink sweater that I love and try to find excuses to wear, she said, well that is you and maybe you don't have the same kind of feelings about Mom's funeral...... UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We went to the Jelly Belly factory and got to watch them make jelly beans....that was fun....but there were far more flavors she did not like..... We went shopping again and she got a new really glittery shirt and some jewelry and lied about how much money she spent. She said it cost her $68 for the shirt, necklace and earings, and I know the price was actually $133 and she had a $25 gift certificate.......but why effing lie?!?!?!?!? By Tuesday, in the airport, she had herself crying again because of all the things she still needs to do, and it will never be done and she can never start her life. Little did she know that while we were gone, my brother, 2 sisters and some helpers, finished painting the rest of the house, called in someone to take away most of the furniture and decorations and packed up all the rest of my Mom's clothes. The only thing she has left to do if pack up her personal stuff and move into her apartment. Her new life starts on Saturday...filled with all new furniture and dishes, bedding and towels, curtins and decorations. The rest of us will go back and finish cleaning Mom's house and then it will be over. The house will be sold and most of what was left of my Mom's is somewhere at Goodwill.
So why all of this? Why this gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair - because this....this stupid message board...this exposing of my life and my deepest heartache? Cuz this is all I have. I tried to do something nice, I got a well thanks - I'll call you later in the week and let you know what time to come over and help clean..... I spent $100 dollars to take her there, and it's my own fault because I didn't tell her what the cost was, but when it came time to spend money on a new dress and I wouldn't do it, she called my cheap and told me I don't know how to live and have a good time..... I won $150 at the casino the other night and I got, well my evening totally sucked why didn't you keep playing and have fun..... There were also the shots about my husband and how we should move to California so he can get a job working at In and Out Burger, maybe that kind of work suits him better because obviously he's no good at teaching. So you smile through the pain and dump it all here, cuz once it's out, it doesn't hurt as much. And even re-reading the words my Mom died doesn't have the same impact as when I wrote it earlier. I guess this is my cleansing breath....this is where I will come when I just can't hold anymore...so I guess it is good
And now....back to our regular programming  |